


void

by ZhiLu



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Depression, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, depressed people do the wildest and the most idiotic things, unhealthy relationship, watch me write exactly the kind of fanfiction I always avoid reading, wrote this when I was low and it probably should not be read by anyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 09:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16784023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZhiLu/pseuds/ZhiLu
Summary: Jungwoo had seen his mask slip.He wanted to save him.If only there was something left to save.





	void

**Author's Note:**

> “I knew nothing but shadows and I thought them to be real.”  
> Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Jungwoo was a student in his class.  
Jungwoo was one of the top students in his class.  
Popular with the kids who were a little nerdy, in a sort of a quiet way, not the way popularity was shown in all those teenage dramas on TV. 

Jungwoo was nice, maybe a little too nice. He let others copy his homework, helped them understand things they couldn’t even if it meant the teacher was going to scold him, letting others cheat during tests when they asked nicely or just seemed desperate enough.

Jungwoo was quiet, a bit shy maybe, some days he wore big glasses on his small nose, some days he seemed to wear contact lenses. School uniform always proper. Good-looking, but average enough not to attract any attention with it.

He often sat with the girls during the breaks, like some other male classmates of his. He usually sat in the front row. He liked raising his hand and contributing and sometimes started smiling brightly when the teacher praised him for an answer.

It’s weird to think so much about a classmate you’re not even friends with.

Lucas knew this. If you asked him he’d say: “Why would I care about him? We’re not even friends.”

Then he’d laugh. And his friends would laugh along, thinking the idea ridiculous. They were in totally different social circles, Jungwoo and them. 

Jungwoo was nice, maybe a little too nice. A bit of a push-over. Often the butt of jokes. He wasn’t bullied - at least Lucas had never noticed anything - but he wasn’t overly popular with the rest of the guys. 

Lucas didn’t really know why. Jungwoo had never given them a reason to be mean to him. He was nice, he helped them. But guys his age had too much ego and too little room in their brain to think about what was right or wrong. All that counted was being popular. Lucas and his friends were, Jungwoo and the nerdy kids weren’t. 

Maybe that was a bit like those teenage dramas on TV.

Lucas knew he shouldn’t think about the other so much.

He just could not stop.

Since he had moved here, to the USA, he had gone from Xuxi to Lucas. It was a fresh start. He could be whatever he chose. So he chose to be confident, to be popular. And now that’s what he was. 

And he could not stop being who he was, not for anyone’s sake.

So when Jungwoo came to him a few days after Lucas had joined the class, he knew how he had to act. He had had enough time to analyze the class dynamics.

“Hello, Lucas. How do you like this school? I hope we can be friends”, Jungwoo had given him a smile.  
A dude next to Lucas scoffed. Back then Lucas hadn’t even known his full name. He hadn’t bothered to learn it. But they had hung out after school yesterday. Had coughed up their lungs feeling very cool while smoking cigarettes the other had gotten from who-knows-where. 

He was cool now. Being cool meant smoking with the cool kids, even though you’re only 15.

And being cool meant not showing that you actually did want to be friends with the quiet nerd with the big glasses.  
“Whatever”, Lucas scoffed and turned his head away, picking at his fingers.

He didn’t dare look at Jungwoo’s face. He didn’t want to see his expression. The guy next to him laughed. Lucas didn’t laugh. He was too busy trying to make it seem like he didn’t care.

Jungwoo hesitated for a short moment, then he left.

If Lucas’ next exhale was very shaky, his new friend definitely didn’t notice. 

Point proven: He was Asian but he wasn’t one of the nerdy kids. 

After school, as he was sitting on Steven’s couch - he had learned his name was Steven Stanton when he arrived at their front door - watching the other guy’s play video games and talk too fast about girls, he felt his mind wander.

What would he be doing if he was at Jungwoo’s right now?He did not allow this train of thought to go further.

With the years they grew up. At least physically.

Lucas had developed quite nicely, he had grown tall, face sculptured by high cheekbones with big eyes and framed by dark blonde hair.

He was now popular with the girls too.

A fact that made him rise up in the popularity ranking with the guys too.

But now that he had all of this, people being nice to him, people wanting to be friends with him, people wanting to date him, it didn’t seem too important anymore.

His grades were dropping. His parents were unsatisfied. He smoked too much. He drank too much. He wasn’t home much.

Things weren’t good but he found himself surrounded by people in the same situation. They didn’t care.

Lucas should not care too. Things wouldn’t be better, but they would be easier and sometimes late at night Lucas craved for that feeling of not caring. 

All his life was about distraction nowadays. God knew there were enough things to be distracted from and enough things to distract him. Most of them were bad for him. But what wasn’t?

There was one thing he indulged in sometimes. Quietly. A sort of guilty pleasure. He was definitely more ashamed of it then the rest of his coping mechanisms.

Watching Jungwoo.

Lucas knew he shouldn’t know that much about a classmate he wasn’t even friends with. But it was addicting in a way.

Jungwoo really tried. He tried with his grades, he tried making others feel better, he tried to be a good person in general. 

Lucas really liked poetry. Quietly of course. And sometimes when Jungwoo smiled he reminded him of poetry.

No specific one, just in general.

But he had grown a reputation. It was a glass cage around him. He couldn’t break out - he had made everyone believe he was someone. And now he had to be someone.

He wasn’t content living like this. He wasn’t content. Full stop.

He was surrounded by friends but he was so lonely. They didn’t really care about him, Lucas knew this, but there was no-one else.

Well, there was. But everything in Lucas refused to acknowledge it.

They weren’t really friends. They were just there, sometimes. At least partly filling up his mind for a bit. Indulging in their antics was a break. A break from the void. But the breaks were growing shorter and shorter the more self-aware Lucas got.

He wasn’t content.  
So when Jungwoo approached him after school, when Lucas was alone for once, he was surprised.

When Jungwoo asked him if he should tutor him, all nervous, eyes staring right at his chest as if he was to be swallowed whole in case he would lift them high enough to catch Lucas’ ones, a stuttering mess, Lucas found himself agreeing.

Jungwoo didn’t look as caught off guard as Lucas would have expected.

“Great.”

Jungwoo lifted his eyes slightly, looking over Lucas’ shoulder. The latter barely suppressed a laugh. A bit like the girls that sometimes confessed to him. They usually stopped looking into his eyes after he rejected them though.

Lucas had voiced the idea of exchanging numbers. It would be easier like this, he defended himself in his mind.  
“It’s easier like this”, he says out loud.

Jungwoo just nods and puts his number in Lucas’ phone.

When Lucas lies in bed this evening, staring at Jungwoo’s WhatsApp profile picture, he didn’t feel content. He felt lacking.

Nothing happens for the next few days.

Then it’s the weekend.

A party at Jason’s. They were sitting in a circle, the party raging on around them. Some had girls in their laps. Lucas had one too. A blonde, average face but good body. As Lucas looked down at her head buried in the crook of his head, he is reminded of Jungwoo’s newly dyed hair.

“I’m going to be tutored by Jungwoo”, he said in a medium-loud voice.

Steven being the one sitting next to him had understood though.  
“Jungwoo?”, he took another sip of the highly intoxicating drink in his hand, “Are you sure about that?”

“Why?”, Lucas grew a bit aggravated. He couldn’t show it though. There was no reason for it. There really was none.  
“I don’t know”, the other answered without thinking too much about it. Sometimes Lucas felt like he never really thought about what he was saying anyway.

Of course, the party ended like any other.

He went to bed drunk but alone. Lying on his back in the darkness he clutched his phone to his chest for a few moments. Not really thinking. Just trying to not vomit again.

He should plug in his phone before going to sleep. Lucas scrolled through his message quickly, just letting his eyes fly over them. 

“uwujunguwu has added you on Snapchat!”

Interesting. He thought. And he kept on thinking. Then he fell asleep.

Lucas spent the first half of the next day in his bed. He usually didn’t sleep long but he just enjoyed lying in bed, listening to music, watching youtube videos.

He snapped his friends. He didn’t really see the point in streaks but for others it was important. So he had more than 100 with quite a lot of people. They counted on him to reply.

Lucas took a picture of his bed sheet, not even bothering to write something like a caption. It wasn’t really cool to have small talk through Snapchat.

Jungwoo had sent him a snap. Not really a snap, he had replied to Lucas’ story. Curious.

“Looks like you had a great night!! Hope the hangover isn’t too bad :)” he had written.

Then “Sorry for randomly adding you. You were suggested to me.”

“And for texting you. I just thought we should get talking”

“… So we could talk about when we’re going to have our tutoring session haha”  
Awkward. Jungwoo had rambled. Why was he so nervous? It wasn’t really something to be proud of, making people nervous. Sometimes Lucas felt it anyway, especially when it was with other guys. It wasn’t like this with Jungwoo though. 

He took another picture of his bed sheet - the point of snapchat was people sending pictures anyway - and he wrote: “yeah great night hangovers not so bad good idea just tell me when ur free”.

The answer was almost instantly. A picture of a cat, a quite cute one actually. “Glad to hear that! I’m free tomorrow, what about you?”Who uses proper punctuation in a text and doesn’t abbreviate things? Boys like Jungwoo, Lucas guessed. 

Tomorrow was fine, so he expressed his agreement. Another picture of a cat, this time on Jungwoo’s lap. He was looking forward to it. Why-ever he’d be.

Jungwoo came over the next day. Usual small talk over Lucas’ big house. They sat down on the large sofa and the younger took out his notes.

They were a lot. Lucas had already expected this. He had watched Jungwoo take notes.

It was a tutoring session, nothing more, nothing less. Well, maybe something more. Lucas could now stare openly. 

Lucas wasn’t an idiot. He had known quite fast that he was bisexual. 

But because he wasn’t an idiot he had known not to make that public. His parents were conservative, his teachers were, his friends were. Not too good of an environment to come out.

Not that Lucas had felt the need to. Weirdly enough, through his whole puberty in America, he had not been attracted to anyone. Well, attracted maybe, purely physically, but he hadn’t had a crush.

Jungwoo was attractive. Purely in a physical way. He was cute, anyone could see that. Lucas didn’t really know what exactly was attractive about him, he just was. And he was smaller. Lucas’ type in girls and boys alike was like that. That might be why he thought of him as attractive.

When their tutoring session ended and Jungwoo turned to go, both of them standing in the doorway of Lucas’ empty house, he didn’t think much about it. 

“Thanks”, Lucas usually didn’t say thanks. Jungwoo knew that. He smiled at him. Quite attractively.  
“You’re welcome”, the younger answered softly.

“Wanna hang more?”, he didn’t think much about it. For the first time in years, Lucas didn’t really think about what he was suggesting, what that meant for his reputation, what his friends would think.

“Sure”, Jungwoo said, smiling again and leaving.

Lucas laid in bed again that evening, staring at the ceiling. He fell asleep like this, without plugging his phone.

The next few weeks were nice. In school, they didn’t interact much. Lucas’ friends had caught on though, noticing the growing connection. Fortunately, Lucas was popular enough now, he noticed the blow to his reputation wasn’t too bad.

They snapped, too, regularly, growing a streak. He even put captions on his pictures. Thought about things he could take pictures of that weren’t walls or bedsheets. Sometimes he even put smileys.

It was mostly Jungwoo that started their conversations. Actually, it was only Jungwoo.  
Lucas didn’t text people first.

But he actually liked talking to the younger. He was actually kind of funny and nice from the depth of his heart, not in the fake way he knew from others. 

Things were good, in a way. Lucas still went to parties, smoked too much, drank too much, disappointed his parents. The rise in his grades was barely noticeable even though Jungwoo really did try his best.

For some reason, Lucas just couldn’t concentrate during tutoring sessions. 

That was odd. He usually didn’t let attraction get to his mind. Looks could be deceiving. They weren’t too important. 

Whatever.

They were friends now, actually. In a way. They hung out, talked about some surface topics, texted. That was what friends did.

Usually when Lucas asked Jungwoo casually wherever he wanted to come to a party, the other quickly denied. He had to study or he had to get up early tomorrow or he had promised to do something blah blah blah.

Today he had agreed. 

It was totally out of character for Jungwoo. He wasn’t an introvert - but the parties Lucas usually went to were out of his world.

He had promised Jungwoo halfheartedly that the other could stick to him at the party. Nobody really knew them there. Not even Lucas’ friends were going, only Steven. 

They met at the house of a kid from a different school, maybe even from college, who knew. 

Jungwoo seemed to really be true to his words. He kept standing so close to Lucas like he expected to be protected by him. Of what, Lucas didn’t know. He knew he kind of liked it though, in a weird way. He could not show that, though. Steven was them.

He behaved the usual way. The way he behaved with his friends. Calculated moves, absolutely platonic, kind of rough gestures.

Lucas noticed that he usually didn’t behave this way with Jungwoo. He banned that thought from his mind though.

It was a party like any other. With amusement Lucas watched Jungwoo take in everything. Jungwoo didn’t really want to drink anything, which was definitely cool with Lucas. It wasn’t cool with Steven.

“Come on, Woo, you’re at a party”, he screamed in the other’s ear, so loudly, that Lucas could hear it too, even over the blasting music. 

He definitely didn’t miss the way Jungwoo’s eyes flickered over to him, focusing on Lucas’ one eventually. 

Lucas shrugged. Maybe it wasn’t a bad idea. 

Jungwoo exhaled slowly. Then he gave a small nod. Took the drink, took a sip.

They kept sitting around places. Steven went somewhere eventually. Who knew where to.

Jungwoo was swaying slightly even though he wasn’t even standing. Steven had filled his cup every time, the scene of the first cup repeating a few times. Jungwoo was drunk. Lucas was intoxicated.

The music was good. Lucas pulled his shadow to the small dance floor by the hand.

Most of the people dancing were on drugs. Lucas saw it in their faces in passing. Good, they wouldn’t care.

He parted the group of people with Jungwoo in tow until they reached some free space close to a wall. 

Then he started dancing lightly to the music.

Jungwoo wasn’t a good dancer but he was dancing with enthusiasm and such a happy face, Lucas couldn’t help but find it endearing.

He was irritated for a moment. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew what thoughts like this meant.

In a flash, Lucas grabbed Jungwoo around his small waist, pulled him against himself. Jungwoo didn’t have time to react before lips were placed firmly on his own. 

It wasn’t a nice kiss. It wasn’t romantically in the least.

Lucas pushed his tongue in as fast as he could. Jungwoo was inexperienced, it was obvious. He stayed quite passive as Lucas roamed his body, grabbing the other’s ass and thighs, eventually pressing him against the wall.

It wasn’t an ‘I just realized I actually like you and wanted to express that‘-kiss.  
It was a kiss in the way one kisses a one-night-stand.

In the back of his mind, Lucas knew that Jungwoo probably didn’t know the difference. In the front of his mind, he didn’t care the least.

It wasn’t his problem. He was doing this to get him out of his head. To kill whatever stupid feeling was growing inside of him.

Lucas concentrated a lot on not concentrating on who his partner was. He tried to think of the other as some dude he just met at the party.

It worked, at least somehow.

They made out for a while, against the wall.

Lucas got horny, he wasn’t denying it. He was healthy, bisexual and in a make-out session with an attractive boy.

He pulled back, wanting to suggest a ‘let’s get out of here’.

The words got stuck in his throat.

Jungwoo’s eyes were wide, hair disheveled, lips and entire face flushed. There was this weird sentiment, clearly visible in the other’s gaze. Adoration.

Jungwoo adored him. It was a gaze of happiness.

No. No. No. No. That was not supposed to happen. Lucas took a step back. 

Jungwoo’s gaze faltered a little. Apparently, Lucas’ face was an open book right now.

“Sorry about that. Needed to let off some steam”, he composed himself, putting on his best fake smile, “Thanks though. It’s been some time since I could make out with someone.”

He didn’t want to continue talking. Jungwoo’s eyes had widened even further for a moment. Surprise. Horror. Then he let his gaze sink, not being able to look Lucas in the face anymore. 

He didn’t want to continue talking but he did it anyway.

“A boy has his needs, you know! Especially at our age. Wanna continue later?”

Fuck. Jungwoo was trembling a little. The music around them was roaring. Lucas’ brain was too. Fuck. Lucas did not want to ‘continue later’. He wanted something completely different. Why couldn’t he ask for that?

Jungwoo mumbled something, then he quickly pulled out his phone.  
“My ride is here, sorry”, Jungwoo laughed nervously. Then he was gone.  
That night Lucas laid in bed, staring at Jungwoo’s profile picture again. He hadn’t changed it yet. Jungwoo was still the same boy.

But he wasn’t. Lucas had corrupted him.

That had probably been Jungwoo’s first real kiss. Stolen by him.

He had used him. He hadn’t even thought about the other’s feelings, he had just acted.

They came from completely different social circles.

Lucas knew what Jungwoo wanted. What he was working for. A better future. A good job, a loving partner. A white picket-fence. He had confessed that to him once during one of their midnight snap conversations.

Lucas also knew that he couldn’t give Jungwoo what he wanted.

A tear splattered on his phone screen, blurring Jungwoo’s face.

Lucas had no future. Well, at least he didn’t have dreams for them. He did have a future - studying business, being a successful businessman and working himself into exhaustion every day so he could finally get rid of the void.

Things weren’t too awkward between the two of them afterward. Jungwoo had gently told him that he wasn’t up for kissing anymore if that was fine with him. Lucas had said that it was fine and then everything was fine.

He pointedly ignored how Jungwoo had started talking to him with his gaze slightly over his shoulder again.

They hung out again. It stung. It stung so much. But it was also nice.

Lucas spent less time with his other friends. He didn’t even do that consciously. The others didn’t seem to notice much. At least they didn’t say anything.

They still invited him to parties though. He went, most of the time. Sometimes Jungwoo joined him. They didn’t kiss anymore. Most of the time they didn’t even talk much at parties.

Jungwoo only took care of getting Lucas home safe every night.

Lucas was not content. Jungwoo wasn’t getting out of his head anymore.

The void grew, day by day. The void Jungwoo used to fill, at least partly.

One evening, it all escalated.

It was another party, it didn’t matter where or whose party it even was, but Jungwoo was there with him. 

Even though Lucas tried, he really tried, that seemed to be the only thing that mattered to him these days.

He had greeted a few guys. He had put on his mask. He was someone again.

Then he said he was going for a smoke. He knew Jungwoo would follow him.

The both of them were standing outside, a bit away from the other party goers. Lucas had allowed his mask to slip a bit again. He did this an awful lot when it was just the two of them.

Jungwoo inhaled air. Then he exhaled it loudly.  
“Lucas…”, he said softly. Everything about him was so soft.

“You know you don’t have to act like this, right?”

Lucas hadn’t expected that.  
“Like what?”, he replied weakly.

“You know, that drunken homie kind of person”, inhale, exhale, “That isn’t you."Lucas laughed out loud. Obviously fake. It stung. It stung. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is me.”

He took a drag from his cigarette. His fingers were shaking.

“No…”, Jungwoo’s voice carried even less volume than usual. Inhale, “At least it’s not the Lucas I got to know.”  
“This is Lucas. I don’t know what the fuck you want from me right now.”  
His whole body shaking now, his left hand gripped the inside of coat pocket tightly.

“You don’t… You don’t have to pretend for me, Lucas. You don’t have to be who you think you have to be. I… I don’t know how to say this.”

He felt the urge to vomit. It was so strong. His stomach was in pain, he was in pain. He had a headache.

“I… I think I could save you. If you let me”, Jungwoo took a step closer.

Too close, he was too close. Lucas stumbled backward. His brain was malfunctioning. He wanted a normal evening. He didn’t want to have this conversation.

“What the fuck, what the fuck, fuck, fuck”, he kept mumbling like a mantra.

Save you. He wanted to save him. To save him. There was nothing. Nothing left to save.  
“Fuck you!”, Lucas suddenly screamed. He shouted in Jungwoo’s stupid, soft face. 

It instantly contorted in pain. He hated this. He hated him. He hated himself.

“You want to save me, huh? I don’t need your help.”

Jungwoo’s eyes grew watery. Oh, fuck no.  
Lucas subtly crouched down a little, staring right into the other’s eyes. What he saw there. It stung. It stung. Nobody should look at him like that. He didn’t deserve it.

Nothing left to save. Nothing left to lose.

“What would you…”, Jungwoo started, stammering. Poor thing was trembling as bad as Lucas was. Self-loathing. 

“What would you say if I said that I liked you? That I”, Jungwoo stared deeply back into Lucas’ eyes, “That I have fallen for you?”

Lucas’ breath came shallow now.

All he could see in the other’s eyes was darkness, the void.  
“Then I’d fucking laugh in your face. I’d tell you that you’re an absolute idiot.”  
He could see it. He could actually watch his Jungwoo’s heartbreak, right there in his eyes.

Bless him, he was too open with his feelings.

It stung, it stung so bad.

The tears welled over. This time it was Jungwoo that stumbled backward. He didn’t even say anything anymore. He just turned around and ran away.

Lucas had expected him to be mean. He had expected a ‘Guess I was wrong about you then’. Icy eyes. Cold glares. 

Somehow this hurt even more.

He let his cigarette drop on the floor. He went inside again. He grabbed the liquor.

Then everything was a blur. Everything was so bright, so very bright. And loud. Everything was so close.

Still, he felt cold, so terribly cold.

He had never been this drunk before. Not even at his worst times.

Lucas didn’t know how to get home. He felt lost.

He felt lost.  
He felt lonely.

Nobody was waiting for him, nobody cared to call him a taxi. Nobody cared anyway.

Why would they? He was a monster. He had tried to corrupt Jungwoo. He had made him like him and dropped him when he got too close. When he saw behind the mask.

He had staggered home, he didn’t know how he managed that.

His parents didn’t care, they didn’t come downstairs, even when he stumbled through the hallway.

He laid down in his bed, in the darkness. His phone had died hours ago. 

Here, right now, Xuxi had stopped being someone.

The void swallowed him whole.


End file.
